Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
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I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
“TGIM!” – My liver
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.