*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
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You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.