There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
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I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
I made HUGE surprise plans for my wife’s birthday tonight–dinner, dancing, champagne, the works–but the babysitter just cancelled & now we can’t do anything!
Did that sound believable to you guys? If you were my wife would you suspect, hypothetically, that I didn’t make plans?
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.