Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
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By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Car’s automatic gearbox shit itself and I was staring down the barrel of a £7.5k repair job, gingerly drove the car home to ‘think it over’ and someone drove right up my arse and wrote it off. I couldn’t stop smiling at the side of the road, the guy thought I was a psychopath.
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?