When someone trying to leave me
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Me: Why don’t we have a nice, romantic bubble bath?
Him: Sounds amazing*flash forward*
Him: I thought we’d be taking the bubble bath together
Me: (from the other tub) My tub is too small for two, you know that. And say “over” when you’re done talking on the walkie, babe
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.