Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
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Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
If I win the lottery I’m gonna run political style ads about my neighbor
JERRY THINKS IT’S OK TO PARK A CAR ON THE GRASS AND HE DRINKS CHEAP BEER FROM A SHOE
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.