So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
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Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: buy her dinner
me: ok
[later at the restaurant]
her: what?me: I said how much do you want for your burger?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
Eat…
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Murder Hornets have arrived in America. Not sure how they got past the wall.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.