Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
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Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
I’m too Shreksy for my shirt