This is my cat’s medicine.
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Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Did…did a minotaur write this
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.