Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
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No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
[husband reaching for me in bed]
me: sorry you’ve exceeded your rate limit
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Me :
All Day At Night
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”