My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
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Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
when serial killers go for a run do they take the psycho path
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Me: Could I trouble you for a knife?
Waiter, knowing that all they have is 10,000 spoons: I have some inexplicably bad news.
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.