If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
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I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
4yo: Bam!
Me: Excuse me?!
7yo: He didn’t say dammit!
2yo: Dammit?
Me: 🤦♀️
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Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
If Trump wins the presidency, you know who’s gonna be the most excited about buildin’ a Southern border fence? Canada.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?