Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
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I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
Thrilling chase underway
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
No chill.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket