Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
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It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
“It’s just me, my board, and my iron, catching some sweet sweet wrinkles.”
Gods work.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not taking myself!!
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.