“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
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“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
barista: do you just want the 2 cookies and one brownie
me: thank you for the word ‘just’
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single