*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
You Might Also Like
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
i guess i’m not sure how to end a relationship correctly walking towards him banging a pan loudly with a wooden spoon did not work
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.