Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
You Might Also Like
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
You know…for fall…
Ghost costume 😂
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
“What a brave fashion choice!” is the ninja of insults.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!