All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
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Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
I’m so hungry I could eat an apple
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah