Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
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You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Well, I’ve put it off long enough. I guess I should check on those wraith-like noises coming from the attic. I’ll be right back.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
this country is so goddamn polarized
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Therapist: Would you date yourself?
Me: No, I deserve better…
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
I have a new favorite meme page
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.