I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
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Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Virtual learning silver lining: When your kids don’t leave the house all day, you can go longer without bathing them.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
My kid asked me what gaslighting is but I didn’t know how to explain it so I just said it’s not a real thing
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
STOP MAKING IT WEIRD
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
[waking up in an amniotic pod realizing I am a human battery powering the Machines]:
lol this is so Capricorn.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
You stop eating apples if your doctor is cute.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.