When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
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It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
Do not levitate over flowers
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.