8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
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2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I told my kids to stop fighting, so now they’re playing with dolls who are fighting.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe