Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
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“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
If they ever reboot Grease, it must be directed by M. Night Shama-lamma-ding-dong.
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
The Compass
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.