Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
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wtf management?!
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Imagine a giraffe. Now imagine the giraffe trying to get on a pool float. Now put my face on the giraffe. That’s about right.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
There are too many movies about vampire hunters and not enough about vampire gatherers.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
I just tested negative for patience.
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma