im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
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*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
They agreed upon ‘almond milk’ when the original name – flavoured nut water – was rejected by test audiences, for whatever reason…
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call