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she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Who called it a French guy that has a cat rather than Jean clawed?
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing