The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
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LOL
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
#milo
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Kids today have it easy!
In the old days, before smartphones & Instagram, by the time we finished the painting, our food was already cold.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
Saturday
chatgpt is an answer to the “older cousin deficit” we didn’t know we had. we need someone to tell us, with utmost confidence, that cockroaches can live for 3 years without a head, that smoking peanut shells gets you high, the *truth* about how katanas are made, with no sources.