Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
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My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
My mother’s birthday is on Monday.
I bought, among other things, a tin of her favourite shortbread cookies.
They were very good.
I should get some for her as well.
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
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Password expired
******
Password ex…
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Growing out my freckles.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.
She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
The internet is full of many things
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
“What’s the photo for again?”
“Just a freelance piece I’m writing”
“Ok great”
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK