[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
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Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Sing it!
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Mad Max: Furry Road
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*