Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
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dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Appendi
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Appendix
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
he died doing what he loved: trying to put socks on with wet feet while standing next to a cliff
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
He’s cranky this morning