You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
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If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
time machine? you mean a clock?
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners