I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
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[My 2 girls have been doing skin care and my wife is trying to get them to stop]
My wife: I didn’t do skin care when I was your age.
6yo: Yeah, because skin care wasn’t even invented then.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
girls literally only want one thing..
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.