Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
You Might Also Like
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
this is how life feels
When I can no longer read the chart at the optometrist I just start spelling 4-letter words.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I can also cook 😂