ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
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I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
this could fix me
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS