i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass
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Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Death row last meal? Starfish. Eat a leg, it grows back. Sit back and enjoy a long life eating starfish legs in an electric chair.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
Him: If I am the King of Diamonds *pulls out ring*, will you be my Queen of Hearts?
Me: Put that away before you meet the Queen of Clubs
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu