Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
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Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.