I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
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I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
He is just living hist best little life 😊
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Seals are just dog mermaids.