FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
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My daughter [air quotes] camped outside the house with 7 of her friends last night.
*ran an extension cord from the house to charge their phones and had uber eats delivered in the backyard directly to their tents.
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Welcome to adulthood. Every time you login now, it’s a game of “Will I get into my account the first time” or “Will I be spending the rest of my life sitting here resetting my password forever.”
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
You know your life has changed when you and your spouse spend over an hour breaking down the social scene of a 4yo’s birthday party like it’s an episode of housewives
5:32 pm “I don’t need a cart. I’m just picking up a few things.”
5:38 pm: Struggling to the self checkout with a watermelon, a 12-pack & a turkey balanced on a four-foot stack of Cap’n Crunch & Cheez Its.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡