My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
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[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
this town’s getting on my nerves, gonna blow off some steam by doing a dance routine at the abandoned warehouse
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Nobody:
8: “Mommy! Did you know that cowboys say YEE-HA! and ninjas say HEE-YA!”
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
m’lady
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…