I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
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I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.
Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.
Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.