The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
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My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
huge valentines day plans this year!!
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.