I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
You Might Also Like
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
#ProTip
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
[Adam and Eve in bed]
Adam, am I really the only girl for you?GOD EVE, YOU’RE LITERALLY THE ONLY GIRL ON THE FACE OF THE EARTH
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
[first date]
I just love that you are a normal, cool girl.
*subtly slides macaroni art of your face back under my chair*
-Yeah, totally.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one