My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
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My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
seems like a niche market
Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?
Me:
Daughter:
Me:
Daughter:
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!
Why I divorced her.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’