Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
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Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??