Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
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“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
My Plans 2020
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I told my vodka about you.
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
My blood type is coffee.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Person: Aw! How old is your dog?
Me: (whispering) I don’t know. (Covers dog’s ears) She’s adopted.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
The dark side of Canada
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.