Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
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Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Me :
All Day At Night
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
respect
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
The Others (2001)
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Perfect
*offers Batman cough drops*
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.