[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
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This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM