If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
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therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
Snapes on a plane.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.