How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
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Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
I gave up going to work for lent.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Twister 2:
Climate change makes tornadoes evolve.
They work together.
We can’t beat them.
We team up instead
The twisters destroy ISIS.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Weird how the paranormal investigators always assume the ghosts speak English.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you