Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
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*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
My 5 year old still has so much to learn. I asked him for a screwdriver and he brought me some sort of tool.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.